Tag: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever anyone says ‘I can’t,’ it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says ‘I’ll try,’ five thousand bees. (‘I can,’ one bee.)

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing a better house

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won’t laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I’m telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts