The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, ‘What am I doing’
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashin…
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wa…
The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did Good for him
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
The tired and thirsty prospector threw h…
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. ‘Uh-oh,’ he thought. ‘This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.’
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand…
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.’
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
There are many stages to a man’s life. I…
There are many stages to a man’s life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ‘skinned.” I’m not sure what the fourth stage is.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
There should be a detective show called …
There should be a detective show called ‘Johnny Monkey,’ because every week you could have a guy say ‘I ain’t gonna get caught by no MONKEY,’ but then he would, and I don’t think I’d ever get tired of that.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
To me, it’s always a good idea to always…
To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, the…
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except t…
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Quote, saying and phrase by: Jack Handey Deep Thoughts